New Year

I have been very reluctant to resume blogging...it seems after the tragedy in August I have had severe writers block. I literally have not written a single thing since then. Many times I have logged on and began to post pictures, tell stories, and basically show and tell my life but for reasons unknown to me, they all end up in the draft box and never get posted. I have pondered whether this blog makes me feel guilty that I have memories to post, while others who have lost so much do not. A rational mind says that is ridiculous, but remember readers...I am not quite rational even on my best days.
There have been many sad times throughout this year. Many times when I have knelt and cried through prayers while asking for understanding and many more times when I have denied the Lord my prayers and simply tried to understand situations with my own pitiful mind. Life is hard. There are many wonderful times but it seems that just around the corner are moments of worry, panic, anger, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, and fear. The horrible life changing moments are hard to understand, but it is the everyday crushing weight of life that is so very draining. For this I am grateful for my limited knowledge of the gospel. I recently read an amazing article that described 5 scriptures that can help you get through almost anything. With this new year upon me, I have been thinking hard about what I would like to do different. Part of this is directly related to how I deal with the everyday life by using the basic avoidance tactic. If it seems hard to do, I just don't do it. I have noticed that lately I have been worse at this. Bills are piling up, rooms are becoming cluttered, specific behaviors in my children are being ignored, simply because I am overwhelmed and not able to cope with anymore. Many of you may be thinking that I am in desperate need of an anti-depressant or professional help, indeed I may be heading that way, but for the moment just read on.
For the new year I am going to be making a few changes to help me live today and every day as if it were my last. I can sit and outline the many areas in my life that I feel are extremely lacking where a new year's resolution would seem appropriate, but let me be honest, for the last 18 years (possibly more) I have been making new year resolutions and by February I have failed them all. It is certainly a no win situation. So no resolutions for me. Instead, I have made a daily list of things that I want to work on. A reminder to me to focus on the small things and not let the world overwhelm me. I will be posting random thoughts about my list daily on my personal blog, rather than my family blog, but if you are interested in the journey let me know. I am not making any big changes instead I am going to make daily adjustments and focus on my many blessings.
"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The job has no glamour, doesn’t even pay well,
He does it because he cares for more than himself.
He cares for you and he cares for me,
He’s out there hoping we will all see.
He took a path not many would take,
And he chose it for our sake.
He’s a remarkable soul, a Hero in the Night,
When all is well, he’s not in sight.
But, if you ever need him, he’ll be right there,
Not just because he’s a cop but because he cares.
Author Unknown
In memory of a fallen officer and in support of all of the officers still in the line of fire. “Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.” I love you Bayden, come home safely!

Classic case of Sundaynitis

I must admit that over the years I have many times developed a very bad case of Sundaynitis. Sundaynitis is no laughing matter. It causes severe body aches, fatigue, sometimes nausea, headaches, and just an overall feeling of yuck. For those of you who have never experienced Sundaynitis...my hat is off to you, Good job! For those of you who have, I think we should start a support group to ease the guilt associated with this sickness.
Last night I told my husband that I was too sick to go to church. Of course he asked what was wrong with me, (I obviously wasn't pulling off the flushed, fevered look very well) To be truthful it is most embarrassing why I don't want to attend my church meetings today. So here is my Sundaynitis story...
Last weekend for Easter, my family went camping. We had a most wonderful time, the weather almost cooperated several times and before I knew it the fair skin on my face and neck had been sunburned. When my lips get sunburned I tend to develop a fever blisters on them. By Wednesday, my lip started to tingle and I knew it was happening. Fever blisters are kinda like zits...everyone can see them but only the most tactless people mention them in polite conversation. I say this to defend my own feelings about what happened next. On Thursday I went to school with my entire lip swelled up with a painful blister. It was a monstrosity. I approached a group of co-workers who were in the middle of a conversation during lunch, and one of the ladies turned to me, stopped talking to the others in mid sentence and said "Oh, you have a cold sore on your lip." I'm sure the shocked look I gave her and my reply of "Do I?" made it seem to them that I honestly did not know that my bottom lip was one huge massive blister...like seriously how could I have missed this. Have you ever had a zit that seemed like it was so big it almost had a personality of its' own? The kind where you look in the mirror and it is sneering and laughing at you? The kind where you are with a group of people and you just know that they are all staring at the ginormous blemish on your face? The kind you name because well it has taken up permanent residence on your face? This is how I felt about my lip. I came to school with a blister and suddenly it became my worst enemy, I named it Henrietta. The rest of the day I had the unnerving feeling that everyone was looking at Henrietta, although no one else spoke of it. My paranoia was obvious as I tried everything to cover my lip while speaking to others..casually putting a paper in front of my face, covering my mouth with my hand, even tucking it in my mouth so that I looked as if I had a massive overbite. All this in an effort to diminish the embarrassment I felt about having a sore on my lip.
So I am now on day 4 with a fever blister, and if you have ever had one you know they don't look any better with time...my lip is one big scab. Fredonia is a very small town, and this lovely woman happens to be in my ward...so to prevent further embarrassment I am choosing to classify a fever blistered lip under Sundaynitis.
But wait...what is that I hear, a child is sick and throwing up. Is it the flu or too many brownies? I don't know and truthfully don't really care for this is a genuine real excuse to stay home from church!! A real excuse to use when this wonderful woman says to me tomorrow, "Oh you still have a cold sore! I missed you at church" I can reply calmly by saying, "Jax was sick" instead of "Henrietta the fever blister wasn't feeling well."

Ponderings

Often when I feel a little knocked down and overwhelmed by the world, I reflect on my life and how I'm doing. I ask myself this series of questions and pretty soon I remember what is important in life. Bills, money, school, and stress take a back seat to the wonderful blessings I have in my life.

I wonder if when I leave a place do people think fondly on the time we spent together or are they glad to see me go?
Am I being the kind of friend that people seek out and cherish, or am I just an aquaintance, someone they once knew?
I wonder if in my daily activites whether I am touching lives or just annoying the hell out of people?
Will my kids think back and remember me for the fun crazy times, or the times I screamed and yelled and lost my patience?
Have I loved my husband deeply enough that there would be an ache in his heart if I were gone?
Does my mom know how much she means to me? Does she know how scared I am of ever losing her?
Do my sisters know how much I love them and how much I cherish their friendship?

So for all of you important people in my life, I want you to know you are amazing, you are wonderful, and I love you! You make my life worth living, it is you who make everything else irrelevant!